Interview with Moo Jackman

Q. How on earth did you get so big?

A. Where do I start? First up parents are everything. My dad was jacked. His dad was jacked. And his dad was jacked.

If being terrifyingly big is the priority, only pick a significant other whose wrist you can’t wrap your palm around. Unless of course, you have big palms yourself. In which case, find someone even bigger than you.

Q. That’s practical dating advice.. Give us some details though. What makes you so thick in the wrists.. err. hoofs?

A. I have one word for you: Myostatin. It’s what I don’t have that makes me beefy. As one human put it: double muscled. You guys like me for the selfish reason that I am so protein packed and make for a good meal. Very little gets wasted. Myostatin makes people not so muscular. It’s a hormone that stops you from being awesome. You humans date for love but I mount only when I see a lack of myostatin. I won’t go near a cow which has myostatin in its muscles. The lack of chalones gives me a surfeit of cohones.

Q. Speaking of cohones, genetics can’t be everything.. I mean what do you eat, how much do you eat?

A. Your abs are made in a kitchen. Mine are made in a test tube. This is a literal advantage. If you eat 80 grams of protein a day for a year, you don’t have 29 kgs of muscle more on your frame at the end of the year. You at best can gain 4-5 kgs of muscle, maybe 6-7 kgs more if you work quite hard. And I am being a very very kind cow here.

In my case, I don’t need much more food than the average bull. I am just a lot more awesome at using the food I eat to make muscle. Humans try and mimic this by ingesting things like diabanol, testosterone and trenbolone (aka steroids) to get more efficient at converting more of the food they eat into muscle.

I eat as much as 25-30 kgs of soy, grain, hay and maize a day. Getting 300-400 grams of protein a day isn’t too hard. Whatever humans throw in a bag, I eat it. Your odd fixation with my milk lets me live a supremely lazy life. Albeit short life since you don’t like how I taste when I drop dead at the ripe old age of 20.

What vegans don’t tell you is chewing 25-30 kgs of food a day takes the entire day. Of course my food has a whole lot of fiber and I poop a lot more than you. On occasion I can poop and pee as much as a small human would weigh. Three stomachs can do that for your digestion.

Q. How about exercise?

A. I do nothing. Muscle just comes naturally to me. I don’t need any, pardon the pun, bullshit exercises to get me jacked. But my muscle isn’t as useful as the muscle you have. I don’t live any longer than the usual cow. I’ve got some back trouble, heart trouble and can have trouble walking in a straight line. Muscle is useful only when you work for it. I was born with it. I am like that really jacked bodybuilder who couldn’t throw a punch to save his/her life.

That said weighing a tonne means I could just trample you.